Teenagers Today's Health Advisory Panel Answers: How do I talk with my daughter about her dating choices?

by Sonny Elliott Family Counselor/Author

Question:

My teen is dating someone that I don't approve of. He's older and runs with a not-so-great crowd. She's 16 and we argue about this a lot. How can we compromise so that we don't ruin our great mother-daughter relationship?

Answer:

Let me ask you some questions: How much older than your daughter is her boyfriend? Is your daughter's father living with the two of you? What has she done with this boyfriend you don't approve of? Do you trust your daughter's actions in regard to being with this boy?

One thing I have noticed about life is that "what we resist, most often persists." Often, when we leave an issue alone, it resolves itself. For instance, is arguing with your daughter making any difference? Or, is it just driving her away from you and to the boyfriend you have an issue with? Also, what about your role as a parent? Since when does a 16-year-old daughter tell her mother what she will or will not do? Yes, I recognize it is becoming routine in our culture for children to be "in charge" of their parents. But that does not make it right nor does it relieve a parent of his or her responsibilities in raising children.

I would invite you to look at establishing "guidelines" and "consequences" for times when your parental guidelines are ignored. People will lean toward getting away with whatever we let them get away with! It's a part of being human. What teens really want is to discover their "boundaries", and this is what parents/adults are for. A child has one job in life and that is to test his or her parents. Children are best served when "guidelines" are discovered with the parents out of mutual respect and love. Just because a child does not like the "guidelines" doesn't mean we don't have guidelines. It's perfectly all right for children to not like what we set up for them and, in fact, that is usually a sign we are on the right track!

It seems to me that the majority of parents today are more interested in being their child’s "friend" or winning a "popularity" contest with their children, rather than being the parent. A parent can be "friends" with their child after they grow up, when the nature of the relationship is due to change.

Lastly, I invite you to get clear on what you will give and not give to your daughter in the area of "guidelines.” Then sit down with her to discover what YOU would be willing to compromise on.

Your job is to raise your child to respect herself, to listen to you, and to be guided by you. It is all right for her to not like the "new" deal. If you’re not the "wall" for her, who will be? In the final analysis your child is looking for a parent who will listen to her, help her establish her own standards, and take stands on her behalf until she has sufficient life experiences to make her own determinations. This can be an exciting turn in your relationship that will last your lifetimes. My final question is: How good are you really willing to have it be with your daughter?