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Expert Q&A

	By Susan Bartell Licensed Psychologist

I recently married a man that I dated as a teenager. We are now in our late 30s. We didn't see each other for more than 20 years, but we reconnected via the Internet. I didn't actually leave my ex-husband for my new husband; my marriage was bad already. Still, I was talking to my new husband towards the end of my first marriage. All of this came out in the divorce proceedings. My first husband and I have a 14-year-old son. As a result of the divorce hearings and the new marriage, my son has decided to live with his father, which is fine, but I still want to be a mother to him. I am really struggling with how to parent from a distance. He does spend at least every other weekend with me. Unfortunately, he is very hostile to my new husband, so that strains our relationship even more when we are face to face. What can I do to help fix this so that we can be a family?

You are in a very challenging situation, some of which, as you realize, you created yourself by not fully ending your first marriage before connecting with someone new. Your son is angry with your new husband because he perceives him as the reason his family was broken up – even though I'm sure you've told him this wasn't the case. He's also angry with you for beginning the new relationship while still with his dad. This is likely at least part of the reason he chose to live with his dad – to show where his allegiance lies. Mending the relationship with your son is going to take time. Begin by spending time alone with him without your husband there – dinners, movies, running errands, etc. This will give you a chance to bond with each other; and begin to talk about how your relationship with his dad was already failing when you met your new husband. An apology might also go a long way to helping you mend fences – it's always better for kids when parents wait until well after a divorce to connect with a new partner; you didn't do that. Acknowledging your mistake might help your son begin to trust you and want to build a relationship with you again. Eventually explaining how your your new husband has helped you through tough times may help him begin to feel less hostility towards his stepfather, who should act only as a friend, never as a disciplinarian.

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