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Expert Q&A

	By Susan Bartell Licensed Psychologist

I overheard my daughter and her friends discussing weight and body image during a recent sleepover. They were talking about throwing away lunches uneaten and skipping dinner. My daughter is not fat, and neither are any of her friends, but I heard my daughter (13) say that she would "kill herself" if she ever gets bigger than a size 3. I want to talk to her about this, but I'm not sure she'll listen. I am a good 75 pounds overweight, and she doesn't hesitate to let me know it whenever I try to feed her or question her food habits. What should I do?

You are right to be concerned! The conversations your daughter and her friends are having, as well as your daughter's fear of weight gain are not healthy. In fact they might trigger the development of an eating disorder. Peer pressure, media images and the impact of puberty on a girl's body can all cause some girls to struggle with the way their body looks. It is also possible that your daughter sees your overweight body and fears that this could happen to her. It is therefore very important that, despite your ambivalence, you immediately begin speaking with her about your concerns. Don't be dissuaded by her criticisms of your eating habits and weight – this is inevitable. Instead acknowledge that you need to work on this. Perhaps, ask her to help you develop a plan for how to do so! But then be clear that being too thin is just as unhealthy – physically and emotionally – as being too fat. Explain that it is normal to gain weight through puberty, and that it may not be possible, or even healthy for her to stay a size three. Help her develop ways to change the topic of conversation when her friends want to speak negatively about their bodies – or at the very least, encourage her to refrain from doing so herself.

If you believe that your daughter's body image is truly distorted, if she refuses to entertain any conversation with you about making changes, if seems to be losing weight, refusing to eat, or pretending to eat or if she is over-exercising, it may be time to have her evaluated by a doctor that specializes in eating disorders. Girls with eating disorders hide them very effectively, so even if you're slightly suspicious, don't wait. The sooner a girl gets treatment, the greater her chance of recovery. Eating disorders are serious – at their worst, they cause death.

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