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Expert Q&A
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| By Sonny Elliott Family Counselor/Author | ||
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My child is writing offensive things about me and her father in her notebook. Why is she doing this and what should I do?
My first question would be, how or why are you reading what she wrote thinking it would not be seen by you? It might be that whatever tempted you to look at these writings, is the same issue that is fueling the writings. I am not saying you don't have the right to read the writings, and it might even be that you child's behavior demanded that you move in this direction.
Having said that, unless this situation is at the point of requiring taking your child to a professional, the answer lies in the realm of having clean and clear communications with your child. The ground of being would be you have concerns, you love and trust you child, and some version of "what has to happen for you to share with us" or "what would have to happen for you to feel safe in expressing yourself". Clearly, from my point of view, the child is reaching out and perhaps does not know a better way.
It can be safely said that the child doesn't feel safe to express what the issues are behind the writings, and that will be your most difficult challenge: re-establishing trust. For instance it would be most inappropriate to discipline the child for whatever she might respond with to your questions. Now you may make up some new guidelines or boundaries for the future, but you dare not go back to the child's history or you will simply be adding more evidence that you are not safe to confide in. It is said the deepest hunger of the human heart is to be in relationship, and anyone in pain, is at that moment, expressing the highest form of love they have available in that moment."
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