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Expert Q&A
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| By Chris Crutcher Author, Licensed Child and Family Therapist | ||
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Our 16-year-old son is a good kid, gets good grades and does what he is supposed to do. We have never really had to punish him before. He has had his driver's license and his own vehicle for approximately two months.
The other night when it was raining extremely hard out, I should have canceled this doctor's appointment but didn't. He went to a physical therapy appointment for a sports injury, which is approximately eight miles from home. We have told him before not to go to his girlfriend's house afterwards on a school night. We have allowed him to do this on weekends, but not school nights. So I should say it is implied that he not go there on this particular night. Although I did not tell him not to go by there on this particular night, like I said, it is understood. He called me and told me he was on his way home; we were extremely worried about him in the rain.
The next phone call was him telling us he had been in an accident on the way home from his girlfriend's house. Her house is about one mile from the doctor's in the other direction. His story is that he just stopped by there for a minute to say hello. The accident was minor and no injuries. It does look as though my son is at fault.
My question is this: What type of punishment is appropriate in a situation like this? We have really never had to punish him before. My husband has given him two months? restriction and six months without driving at all. We have told him we are punishing him for not being honest and being where he was not supposed to be, not for being in the accident because accidents do happen.
I agree with the two months restriction completely. The six months I am concerned about. All those months, actually a year of training with us, won't he get rusty? Is the punishment too long? A half year seems like a really long time to me, and I am sure it is an eternity to our son. My husband thinks that maybe he is not ready to drive yet. He has been responsible so far until this. What is your opinion on this?
My opinion is to only do enough to get the job done. I'm not so worried about your son getting rusty as I am about him deciding his parents think he's an idiot who cannot learn from a reasonable amount of time.
Ask yourself this question? Will he learn it any better in six months than three? Or three weeks? You know your son better than anyone. Is there something you can do to let him earn it back? When you punish by "grounding" from something, NOTHING happens during the grounding time. I'd give him a chance to earn his privileges back.
And in case you haven't looked around you, you are not going to get your son to always tell you the truth through his adolescence. And because he gets away with a few untruths because he's in love or because he's passionate about some other healthy thing doesn't mean he's going to grow up to be a liar. Of course you always expect the truth from him, and you tell him the truth. And there are consequences to his telling lies. But consequences are there to help make changes; they're not there for us to get even."
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