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Expert Q&A
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| By Chris Crutcher Author, Licensed Child and Family Therapist | ||
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Our 15-year-old son has recently begun to lie to us, and his grades are below what we expect. He currently goes to a school outside our neighborhood. He has asked for the last two years to go to the local high school to be with his friends. As his grades continue to drop, we have imposed restrictions and limited privileges such as computer and TV and driving time. It isn't working. We just recently caught him in another lie. What are we to do?
I'm 58 and waiting for my first 15-year-old who doesn't lie. It is my belief that we should look at all lies as symptoms, not as some ultimate awful thing. If a kid is lying to me, the question I need to ask is Why is it not safe to tell the truth? Is there anyway I can make it safe?
He may be getting bad grades to get you to let him come to the local school. If I were 15 and my friends went to my local school, I'd want to go to my local school, too. He's 15. Friends are important. You didn't say they were friends you don't approve of, and I didn't read that in. But even if they are, we are too often quick to pass judgment on that.
We can't control kids' lives. We can make ourselves available to them. We can be vigilant. We can bring down the hammer only a few times before it doesn't have much power, so we need to be careful where we choose to fight our battles. You might want to consider going to him and saying, "This isn't working. Let's start over. You can have your privileges back, and we'll move you to the school you want to go to. In return, you bring your grades back up, and show us we're not idiots for listening to you. Help us out here, buddy. Let's get a common goal here.""
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