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Expert Q&A

	By Kate Cohen-Posey Therapist

My 13-year old seems depressed. He spends most of his free time in his room. I know this is a sign of his age but he also told me that some boys are calling him names and making fun of him in the hall at school. He won't tell me what they are saying but I took him to a birthday party, and when he found out they were there, he had me come and get him right away. Do I tell a teacher, call these kids' parents or leave it alone? It really bothers me to see him hurt.

Start out with empathy. Let your son know that what he is experiencing is a very difficult problem. Ask him what he usually does when he gets called names ? stay quiet or say something back. At first don't ask too many questions but do your best to just listen and show him you understand his point. He may say something like, "It's useless to say anything back; it just makes things worse." You can respond by saying, "It must feel pretty hopeless."

Gradually, you can tell him that you have heard of a third way that uses humor and even hypnosis to make responses. Wait a bit and see if he shows any interest. You can give a hidden suggestion by saying, "I wonder how you'd feel if you just said, 'Thank you' to whatever insult they say." You might want to buy the book How to Handle Bullies, Teasers and Other Meanies for other ideas of responses.

It will really help if you can tell him about "upsetting" comments that were said to you and how humorous/hypnotic responses made you feel. Stress the idea that the point is not to change bullies but to help yourself feel better.

If you cannot engage him at all, talk with school officials to see if they have noticed what is going on or if they have intervention programs. Try not to have him be the direct object of focus. I would not go to the other parents. You never know how they may respond, and they may be bigger bullies than their children.

Kate Cohen-Posey
Author of How to Handle Bullies, Teasers and Other Meanies.

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