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Expert Q&A

	By Kate Cohen-Posey Therapist

My 13-year-old son has gone through many changes this year. He decided to get away from the nerdy group at school and hang out with the "cool" group, mostly kids with serious parental problems at home. My husband and I are both his biological parents. He seems very popular now and even has girlfriends. He says he's very glad he's not such a nerd anymore. He still dresses in a civilized fashion, and he is still getting decent grades. He also writes a lot of music, and he's very good. He just seems very sullen and quiet and hostile at home with just us and his brother, and he spends as much time as he can wandering the neighborhood with these new friends.

I miss him; he's a changed person. I realize some of these things are warning flags, but he insists things are going the way he wants them, and his only alternative was being with the "nerds," a lot of whom were obnoxious ADHD cases!

Meanwhile, my husband, who did a lot of drugs and alcohol as a teen, wants to set as few limitations on him as possible, thinking he knows what it feels like to be our son. So we end up having arguments about setting limits (curfews, privacy, disrespectful behavior in school, proving that we trust him by not questioning anything he does). Since I want to make limitations and my husband does not, I end up looking like the jerk to my son, while my husband is admired by all my son's friends!

My husband's and my arguing in the past has hurt our son very much. I try to keep the arguing private, but my husband often undercuts me in front of my son. I feel I have no choice but to shut up. If I knew of any specific dangers to my son, I could hold up an argument, but it's all too vague. I just have some bad feelings.

1. I don't know what they do when they're out wandering around.
2. I think my son lies to us sometimes.
3. Some of the kids he hangs out with probably do drugs or alcohol, but I have no proof of that.
4. My son used to be very sweet, and now he wants nothing to do with me.
5. My older son (16) has stayed pretty steady, and although he likes hanging out with his many friends, he also still likes being with us.

I just want to know if my husband is right that we should show trust, and when that trust is broken, not make a big deal out of it. I feel like I'm trying to raise my husband too, but it really can't be done! I guess I need either reassurance or guidance. My son has been to therapists in the past and swears he will never go again (it's really hard to find a good one, and the bad ones are just humiliating).

Answer:

As long as your son is still making decent grades he is probably OK. It's normal for kids to wander around the neighborhood, and because they are just "hanging out," it is difficult for them to explain what they are doing. The more you probe him, the more he is likely to resist and be sullen and hostile. One of the hardest lessons I had to learn when my daughter was that age was not to ask her questions and let her come to me. If you wait long enough they will talk. Sometimes, when my daughter is being particularly hostile, I give HER the silent treatment. Then she usually warms up.

I'm not sure what your husband's position is. Does he think your son should have some curfew? Does he think he should be home for dinner? Does he think it is OK for your son to do drugs or drink? Has your husband turned out to be a responsible person with a decent job? Does he still do drugs? If not, how did he stop?

I believe children certainly need curfews, and at 13, they should be home for (a family) dinner. If your husband did become a responsible person, you might ask him how he did it. If you can, reach agreements with your husband on curfews but don't try to know or control what you cannot. You can come up with consequences for poor grades or any substance abuse IF the time comes.

Of course your son probably lies to you. Most kids do to some extent. If he is discrete enough to cover up his lies, he is actually showing some responsibility. If his behavior is bad enough, you will find out the lies and can deal with the behavior then.

If you and your husband cannot come to agreements when problems arise or even now, go to a therapist without your son. It is important that you have your team work together, and since I'm not hearing your husband's side, I'm not sure if his ideas have some validity. However, just as an experiment, you might try being the liberal cool one for a week and see what happens even if you have to fake it."

My 13-year-old son has gone through many changes this year. He decided to get away from the nerdy group at school and hang out with the "cool" group, mostly kids with serious parental problems at home. My husband and I are both his biological parents. He seems very popular now and even has girlfriends. He says he's very glad he's not such a nerd anymore. He still dresses in a civilized fashion, and he is still getting decent grades. He also writes a lot of music, and he's very good. He just seems very sullen and quiet and hostile at home with just us and his brother, and he spends as much time as he can wandering the neighborhood with these new friends.

I miss him; he's a changed person. I realize some of these things are warning flags, but he insists things are going the way he wants them, and his only alternative was being with the "nerds," a lot of whom were obnoxious ADHD cases!

Meanwhile, my husband, who did a lot of drugs and alcohol as a teen, wants to set as few limitations on him as possible, thinking he knows what it feels like to be our son. So we end up having arguments about setting limits (curfews, privacy, disrespectful behavior in school, proving that we trust him by not questioning anything he does). Since I want to make limitations and my husband does not, I end up looking like the jerk to my son, while my husband is admired by all my son's friends!

My husband's and my arguing in the past has hurt our son very much. I try to keep the arguing private, but my husband often undercuts me in front of my son. I feel I have no choice but to shut up. If I knew of any specific dangers to my son, I could hold up an argument, but it's all too vague. I just have some bad feelings.

1. I don't know what they do when they're out wandering around.
2. I think my son lies to us sometimes.
3. Some of the kids he hangs out with probably do drugs or alcohol, but I have no proof of that.
4. My son used to be very sweet, and now he wants nothing to do with me.
5. My older son (16) has stayed pretty steady, and although he likes hanging out with his many friends, he also still likes being with us.

I just want to know if my husband is right that we should show trust, and when that trust is broken, not make a big deal out of it. I feel like I'm trying to raise my husband too, but it really can't be done! I guess I need either reassurance or guidance. My son has been to therapists in the past and swears he will never go again (it's really hard to find a good one, and the bad ones are just humiliating).

Answer:

As long as your son is still making decent grades he is probably OK. It's normal for kids to wander around the neighborhood, and because they are just "hanging out," it is difficult for them to explain what they are doing. The more you probe him, the more he is likely to resist and be sullen and hostile. One of the hardest lessons I had to learn when my daughter was that age was not to ask her questions and let her come to me. If you wait long enough they will talk. Sometimes, when my daughter is being particularly hostile, I give HER the silent treatment. Then she usually warms up.

I'm not sure what your husband's position is. Does he think your son should have some curfew? Does he think he should be home for dinner? Does he think it is OK for your son to do drugs or drink? Has your husband turned out to be a responsible person with a decent job? Does he still do drugs? If not, how did he stop?

I believe children certainly need curfews, and at 13, they should be home for (a family) dinner. If your husband did become a responsible person, you might ask him how he did it. If you can, reach agreements with your husband on curfews but don't try to know or control what you cannot. You can come up with consequences for poor grades or any substance abuse IF the time comes.

Of course your son probably lies to you. Most kids do to some extent. If he is discrete enough to cover up his lies, he is actually showing some responsibility. If his behavior is bad enough, you will find out the lies and can deal with the behavior then.

If you and your husband cannot come to agreements when problems arise or even now, go to a therapist without your son. It is important that you have your team work together, and since I'm not hearing your husband's side, I'm not sure if his ideas have some validity. However, just as an experiment, you might try being the liberal cool one for a week and see what happens even if you have to fake it."

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