quick clicks

preteenagers today articles

preteenagers today q&a

teenagers today articles

teenagers today q&a

community & groups

research baby names

prepare a birth plan

content channels

ip channel rss feeds

read birth stories

read parenting stories

recommended books

e-newsletters

safety recalls

ip diaries

ip store

mom of the month

dad of the month

editor's letter

letters to the editor

Expert Q&A

	By Chris Crutcher Author, Licensed Child and Family Therapist

I'm a 36-year-old single mother of three children. The oldest being 15. My husband and the father of the children passed away two years ago after a long battle with cancer. My children have been through a lot. About a year ago, I started seeing a guy who is 10 years younger than me. At first, it was just a distraction and a way to relive my college years. But recently things have started to change. He knows I have three children. He has met my children many times, because his family is good friends with my family. My children know that we go out and have fun together, but there isn't much more to what they see of this. They like this man very much. Still, I am worried about my 15-year-old and how he will adjust to this relationship if my boyfriend and I should take this relationship to a more public level. My kids are good kids, but like I said, they have been through so much. Am I being selfish to want to bring this man into their lives in a way that would most likely cause conflict? When is the right time to do something like this? We've actually talked about a future, and I know that he wants to have kids of his own some day. The age difference makes me anxious, since to give him the future he wants my time is limited. How do I move on with my life and happiness without compromising my children's? Can you guide me?

That's a sticky dilemma, not just because it might provide conflict for your kids, but because you sound not so sure you are ready to have a second family with this man. If I mis-read that, then it's easier. If your kids like him and you are thinking of taking the relationship more public, then I'd do it. I would not hand over any child-rearing reins to him, but rather would encourage that he be a resource to your kids. One way to get kids away from the idea that someone is replacing their father is to make conditions such that it doesn't seem like a replacement, so they aren't feeling disloyal or that they need to choose. It is not a bad idea for your kids to see you doing what you need to do to be happy. That's good role modeling, even if they feel uncomfortable with it. Hopefully he is aware of the possibly fragile nature of the situation and is willing to go along with the needs of the kids to the extent that he can.

The second part of the problem is a little more sticky. Somewhere in there you have to decide what you want in the long run. If the new family thing sounds good to you, you can work into it slowly... get the kids used to it.

Grief is one of the most important things we do as humans. It's how we make room for the next thing after each loss. You're right, the kids have been through a lot and so have you. You might want to use a therapist briefly if you think the grief process has gotten stuck somewhere. But there is not a reason you shouldn't look for and find happiness. Situations like this are tough and they require thoughtful solutions. Just make sure everyone is up to speed when you make your decisions. I hope that helps.

View more Q&A by this Expert