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Expert Q&A

	By Paul Coleman Psychologist Family Therapist

My son is 18, doesn't care about life in general and just wants to have fun his senior year. He is belligerent, but he doesn't use drugs and he doesn't smoke. Most of his friends are "A" students. He wants to go to college, but at this point is in danger of failing. He sleeps a lot on weekends, has no motivation, and his self-esteem is low. He says he doesn't remember any good in his past, but only yelling and fights in the family. He will not listen to anything parents have to say. He wants to be in charge of himself. He is picky about a job, kicking his feet on finding one. He had one for a while that he picked, but it was too far to drive. He says he is embarrassed by the old car he was given to drive. I have tried counselors. They give him drugs, which he refuses to take. One counselor says my son is angry with his mother, but doesn't know why (this after one year of treatment). The other psychiatrist says to leave him alone and allow him to face the consequences of him failing in life. I need advice. I have tried all I can think of. Nearly two years ago, this boy would have dinner set out with plate setting and flowers on the table. What a change...

It must be difficult to see your son change so drastically and to have had no success with therapy.Your son certainly sounds clinically depressed. You say he doesn't care about life, is belligerent, has failing grades, sleeps excessively, has no motivation and poor esteem -- all of which point to depression. I can understand why a psychiatrist suggested medication. An anti-depressant for six months might help.

He seems to be his own worst enemy. He seeks treatment, but doesn't follow recommendations. He wants a job, but is picky about which one. He wants to go to college but is failing senior year. You say he does not take drugs. If not, he certainly is at risk for abusing drugs or alcohol. Someone with low esteem is often afraid to give something an honest try (a job, a difficult school subject, dating) for fear that his best won't be good enough. He then holds back just enough to ensure failure -- which in turn perpetuates his low esteem. He needs encouragement and success experiences. One without the other won't improve esteem very well.

Does he have siblings? Has he switched roles with one of them such that previously one of the other kids had emotional/behavioral problems while your son did not, but now he has the problems and the other child has improved? If so, that suggests that the problem is not so much within your son, but within the way the family as a whole operates and deals with issues. Seeing a therapist trained in family therapy might help.

His behavior likely has caused (or intensified) divisiveness within the family. My guess is that one parent (often the father or stepparent) is fed up and barking out ultimatums, while the other parent is calling for calmness, patience, and understanding. A rift between the parents will block any progress.

Parents need to not only agree on a consistent approach, they need to show support and caring for one another. If that is lacking, an agreement on how to handle your son won't last long.

I don't know what will absolutely help, but I do know that the common-sense solutions already attempted have failed. I suggest three things:

First, for at least two weeks eliminate criticisms from your communications. Don't say "Why didn't you?...Why won't you?..." and don't preach. These are understandable comments to make, but they have clearly not helped. Instead, increase greatly the number of empathic comments. For example: "It must be frustrating to want a job, but no good job is available... It must bother you sometimes when I preach...You sound angry at your life..." DON'T GIVE ADVICE! At a minimum he might begin to feel understood. Perhaps he will even open up more. My book, "How to Say It to Your Kids,÷ provides dozens of suggestions in this regard.

Second, if there is any marital divisiveness, spend much more energy bridging that gap. Do nice things for one another. Go out together. Spend at least 20 minutes a day chatting (on the couch, in bed) perhaps giving each other back rubs. Keep the conversations low-key and non-controversial. Build more goodwill and tenderness. Each of you should show more affection on a daily basis. Sometimes, kids with problems serve a purpose of bringing together parents in a common cause when the parents would otherwise be disconnected. You don't want your conversations with your spouse to be mostly about your son.

Otherwise, your son's troubles will serve a purpose in your marriage and will therefore continue.

Third, I suspect that son and Dad (possibly Mom) need more one on one time doing something interesting. Maybe a 3-4 day trip together -- just them -- where they can relate more effectively. (Have them fly to a locale where they must ride on a river together canoeing or something like that -- something physical that entails a lot of alone time together). When a person feels lousy about himself he sometimes looks to others to see what they think of him. If what's reflected back is criticism or disappointment -- however justified -- he feels worse. Something needs to happen -- some experience together -- that allows for negative perceptions to be changed and positive perceptions to emerge. He needs to believe that despite his issues, you have faith in him.

Good luck. Let us know what happens.

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