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Home › Expert Q&A › General › My 18-year-old is doing drugs and drinking. I made him leave the home. Should I let him back or make him face the decision that he made on his own?

Expert Q&A

 

By Keath Castelloe Low
child and adolescent psychologist

I have an 18-year-old son who has graduated. I made a few rules that he needed to follow in order to remain in the household. These rules were based on events that have taken place over just a couple of months. I let him know that there was going to be 3 strikes and then he would have to leave. Well within one week we were there, and I had to make him leave. It hurt to make him leave, and I have not heard from him since (1 week or so). Was I wrong in making him leave, as I feel that you should always be there for your kids? He has come back to the house while I am not there and stole items, so now I have changed the locks and sat his clothes on the front porch. He was working full-time and has since quit his job and now has no means in which to support himself. He is doing drugs and drinking. Should I let him back? Or make him face the decision that he made on his own?

As parents, we are often second guessing ourselves especially with tough decisions. You were not wrong to make him leave. Legally, he is now an adult. Because of recent problems with your son, you had to create clear cut house rules. You outlined your expectations and informed him of consequences for breaking the rules. Your son made the choice to ignore the rules and you followed through with the consequences.

I am so sorry to hear that your son continues to have problems. It sounds like it is time to get outside help from a mental health or substance abuse counselor. Talk with your son about your worries and your hopes that you can help him get back on track. Let him know that you love him.

If your son wants to come back home, meet together with the counselor to review steps he must take to return. He may need to commit to attend regular counseling and agree to not drink alcohol or use drugs. He may also set goals of returning to work or enrolling in the local community college. Sit down with the counselor and develop the contract together with your son.

It is heartbreaking to see someone you love, especially your own child, go through such struggles. You can reach out to him and give him your love and support, but ultimately your son has to be willing to make the change.

If he is doing drugs and stealing items, the counselor can help you sort out the best way to include the legal system. Their involvement will provide more leverage with your son and hopefully will help him understand the seriousness of his problems.

The counselor will also work with your son to process through events and feelings that may have lead to such a deterioration in his behaviors over the last few months.

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