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Expert Q&A
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| By Chris Crutcher Author, Licensed Child and Family Therapist | ||
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My 16-year-old son left home for five nights and we, his parents, did not know where he was. I tracked him down Thursday, and he said he was living with friends and had found a job. I had been asking him to find a job, but he wouldn't, and now he has a job.
I wanted to know who he was staying with and spoke with the parents in that home who said he could stay. Prior to that, they did not know their sons were harboring a runaway. I know where he is, and it is only two miles from home, but he came by and said he wanted his clothes and he was OK.
What would make a child from a loving Christian home leave to sleep on someone's couch? He is living in an apartment with this family, and he had his own room with all of the amenities he needed and some of what I thought he wanted.
He has been diagnosed with ADHD, and I worry whether or not he will take his Adderall, and he tells me not to worry as though he is a grown man. He still goes to school.
We have been in counseling, and my husband and I continue to go. Their relationship has been strained for quite sometime, but I never thought it would get to this. We are trying to let this play out, but he will need to go somewhere if he comes back. He has cussed us both out and said leave him alone, but he called two days ago and asked for a ride to go and get something to eat because he was so hungry, and I said no."
This is tough, and I really understand the confusion and hurt. It seems unfair to love someone this much and have this be the outcome. But this isn't the outcome. This is just now. Remember you're working on your life-long relationship with him.
You said your son and his father have had a "strained" relationship. The nature of that strain may hold some answers, and I'm guessing the counselor addressed some of that. If I'm in your shoes, I might try this: If you trust the family he's staying with, let him stay on the condition that he attend at least some counseling sessions with you, focused on his relationship with you, not necessarily his returning home. Get all the issues out in the open, and don't make anything contingent on his return. You don't want to earmark that as a requirement of anything; it would be treating the symptom instead of the disease.
He's in school, and you want him to finish. As long as he stays, you know something good is coming out of where he has placed himself. Remember, you're keeping your eye on the long-term relationship.
If I were in your shoes and he called and said he was so hungry (and I might take some heat for this), I'd go. Sometimes it's not a bad thing to let your kids know your love is unconditional, and that's a way to do it. I'd have gone and fed him and said not one word about the "problem," and I'd jump on any other chances to do the same. Let him know your love doesn't have to be earned. Kids confuse that sometimes when we require behavior from them for every privilege they get. Of course, you have to do this in a way you don't just feel taken advantage of. That's a pretty tough balancing act.
Our struggles with adolescents often tell us a lot about ourselves, the places in our lives where we feel out of control. We often fight with them over issues from our own pasts. Good luck. This will take great patience."
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