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Home › Expert Q&A › General › My 14-year-old son says that his friends think I am too strict because I won't let him be in cars or stay out late. Am I too strict?

Expert Q&A

 

By Kate Cohen-Posey
Therapist

My son is 14. He used to play football and baseball and was quite social. He has entered high school this year and will not participate in sports at all. He has started "hanging out" with kids that are of a questionable nature. Since school started, he has skipped school, been caught smoking by the superintendent, got fired from his job for not showing up and for smoking in the back room.

He is very defiant and is very mean to his younger brother. He wants to be able to stay out late and go "cruising" in cars. He has been grounded for three weeks - two for skipping school, one for smoking. I truly do not know what to do with him. I am very concerned with the path he has chosen for himself.

He is a very smart child and has great potential, but he seems to just want to defy everything we want for him and every rule we create. He is to be in during the week by 9:30 p.m. weekdays and 11:30 p.m. on weekends and only allowed to be in cars with permission from us. Are we being too strict? He says that his friends think I am too strict because I won't let him do anything, be in cars or stay out late. I have a 21-year-old son who NEVER gave me this kind of problem, and he had the same rules.

It sounds like you are seeing fairly dramatic personality changes. They can be typical of kids when they start high school and feel they have to party, or it may mean that he is using drugs. You might want to consider seeking professional help or having him drug tested. If he is able to maintain his grades, there is less chance of drug involvement.

In small towns where there is nothing to do, high school children often go to parties on weekends after 11 p.m. Usually these are unsupervised. Sometimes they take place at older kids' apartments who have graduated or dropped out, or they take place in a secluded area out-of-doors. If someone's parents are not home, they will take place there. Spending the night is an easy way for kids to avoid curfews. Popular kids can be at greater risk for getting involved in these activities. Extreme sex and drug and alcohol use can take place at these parties. This may not be true for your area, but it is true for mine. My 11th-grade daughter told us ninth grade is "basically your party year." Some kids come out of it; some kids don't.

Your weekday curfew is very appropriate. I'm personally OK with 12 a.m. for a ninth grader on weekends and riding around in cars (which is very typical for high school kids), but I would check with other parents YOU trust for norms in your community. If you allow him to do these "normal" things, you will have more to take away at the first sign of a slip. I would not change the curfew unless your son is willing to be more open with what type of things are going on in his life. It is time to have an open discussion about drugs, alcohol and sex, and it is also important that he do more of the talking. I would also not change his curfew until you see his first report card. The best way to start such discussions is, "So, what goes on with kids these days? What happens at parties? What do you think about it?"

It sounds like you are off to a good start by imposing restrictions at the first sign of slips. Keep that up. Various restrictions for skipping school, grades falling, being more than 15 minutes later than a curfew and any other problems are very important. Your older son may have some clues about what is happening, but again, do not hesitate to involve professionals, and if changes continue to be too dramatic, get a drug screen.

Kate Cohen-Posey, MS, LMHC, LMFT
How to Handle Bullies, Teasers and Other Meanies

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