quick clicks

preteenagers today articles

preteenagers today q&a

teenagers today articles

teenagers today q&a

community & groups

research baby names

prepare a birth plan

content channels

ip channel rss feeds

read birth stories

read parenting stories

recommended books

e-newsletters

safety recalls

ip diaries

ip store

mom of the month

dad of the month

editor's letter

letters to the editor

Expert Q&A

	By Kate Cohen-Posey Therapist

We have a 16-year-old son who has been going out on Fridays and Saturdays and coming home early in the morning – around 4 a.m. My wife thinks that is too much, and we should restrict him and get him to come home earlier around midnight.

I trust my son, and I think that it's OK for him to do that and told him that as long as he does not use drugs and drink alcohol that it's OK – only on weekends. There is no sign of him drinking or smoking. He is a good kid, just loves to hang out with friends on weekends.

I am trying to build this parent/son relationship by giving him some freedom and trying to talk to him. I always talk to him about being safe, and I tell him that he can talk to me about anything and I will always be there for him. On the other hand, my wife is always on the command mode when talking to him and is totally pushing our son away from us.

He does not want to open up to us, because he is scared that we'll start nagging. Every time she feels that he is not doing the things that she expects him to do, she will start commanding and start giving orders, yelling, "You have to be home by midnight! What are you doing out until 4 in the morning."

I don't know who I should be controlling, my wife or my son? I told my wife that we will lose our son by nagging too much. She said we are already losing him by not keeping him at home. Yes, it seems like we are losing him right now, but by him knowing that we are there for him, he will be back. If we try to keep him home, he might leave the first chance he gets and will probably never come back. At least that's how I feel. Am I out of my mind for giving my son that much credit and trust? Please advise."

Teenage years are certainly the times that try the souls of parents, and it is a pity when couples do not have each other to lean on. It is also very hard when one parent is polarized into always being the heavy, and it does sound like you and your wife are taking extreme positions.

As a parent of a teenager and as a therapist, I think it is important to give a child a reasonable curfew in order to set boundaries and limits. I would check on norms in your area with parents you trust and respect for appropriate curfews. Where we live, a young person cannot drive a car past 1 a.m. until they are 17.

We have increased our daughter's curfew by half an hour each year of high school. That being said, my daughter tells me frankly that she is spending the night with friends who don't have curfews when she wants to avoid ours. Still, I would feel irresponsible as a parent if I didn't establish some curfew.

You say your son is a good kid, and if he is keeping up his grades, he may be. But don't you wonder what he is doing until 4 a.m.? My daughter is quite open with us about what goes on. In our area, kids go to indoor and outdoor parties. Although some young people do not indulge, there is drug use, amazing amounts of alcohol consumed and sexual activity that used to be considered swinging. There are also fights, and there have been gun shots.

My daughter is also a good kid who claims that she usually doesn't drink and no longer tries drugs ("Ninth grade was her party year"). Find out if your son knows what a "keg stand" is. It can be fatal. Teenage life today can be very extreme, and popular kids are at the highest risk for drug use, alcohol abuse, STDs and even shoplifting. If your son is staying out until 4 a.m., I'm sure he is exposed to some dangerous situations, and while you may not be able to control all of this, blind trust doesn't help either.

It is very important that you and your wife work as a team. Your calmness and her concern is a wonderful combination, but they need to work together, not against each other, and you both probably need to moderate your position. If it is difficult to do this on your own, do not hesitate to seek marital or family counseling. It is normal for there to be tension between teens and parents, and they will come back to you.

P.S. A local high school in Florida had a blood drive, and all the kids who donated had the normal blood tests for giving blood. The more responsible, civic-minded students were the ones who gave. One-third of the young people tested were HIV positive. This high school draws from the wealthier families in a town of about 50,000.

Kate Cohen-Posey
Author of How to Handle Bullies, Teasers and Other Meanies"

View more Q&A by this Expert