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Expert Q&A

	By Susan Bartell Licensed Psychologist

After 25 years of marriage and three children (ages 20, 18, and 16), my husband and I recently got the shock of our lives: we are pregnant – with twins! It's been a crazy thought to adjust to, but for the most part we are very joyous. The other, not-so-joyous, part is my 16-year-old's reaction. She is completely irrational and downright mean about the pregnancy, making all sorts of verbal attacks on me about not using birth control ("being irresponsible") and claiming I am ruining her life. She is the only one at home since my 18-year-old son left for college last month. I am trying to be patient, but I am exhausted! Do you have any advice?

Your 16-year-old's reaction is understandable, especially since she doesn't have any of her siblings at home with whom to share her shock and other feelings. Developmentally it is normal for her to be focusing on how this will affect her life. Teens worry about how everything will affect them and certainly this is a big one. Before you shared the big news, she was probably looking forward to having all your and her dad's attention lavished on her now that her brother has left for college and she's an "only child." She's likely angry, resentful and confused. Perhaps she even feels that you are having these babies because you don't want to be alone with her. It migh also feel embarrasing to her to be forced to think of her parents as sexual beings at exactly the time when teens are most comfortable repressing these feelings and when they are beginning to think of themselves as sexual. It is therefore important for you to continue to be patient and very understanding – assuring her that you will do your best to keep her life running smoothly. Also, talk to her about how you will still make her a priority and that you will be sure to spend time alone with her even after the babies arrive. That being said, you do not need to accept rude and disrespectful behavior by your daughter. She needs help understanding that it is OK for her to take time to adjust; but that she cannot say hurtful, mean things to you and her father. Talk to her about how people make choices and mistakes – including her – which sometimes turn out to be blessings, and that families need to stick together through not only good but through challenging times as well. Promise her that you're sticking with her and you want the same back.

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