- my iParenting
- quick clicks
- preteenagers today articles
- preteenagers today q&a
- teenagers today articles
- teenagers today q&a
- community & groups
- research baby names
- prepare a birth plan
- content channels
- ip channel rss feeds
- read birth stories
- read parenting stories
- recommended books
- e-newsletters
- safety recalls
- ip diaries
- ip store
- mom of the month
- dad of the month
- editor's letter
- letters to the editor
From Our Sponsors
- e-newsletters
- Sign up to receive our free weekly e-newsletters
- award-winning products
The iParenting Media Awards program helps parents find the best products for their families.
Expert Q&A
 |  |  |
| By Chris Crutcher Author, Licensed Child and Family Therapist | ||
 |
Our daughter is 15 1/2 years old (will be 16 in November). She is entering into tenth grade in September 2005. My husband and I are very concerned with how hard it is to keep up with knowing all of her friends. We originally set up the family rule of thumb as being we need to know who you are hanging out with, including the driver of the car you are riding in. This means meeting these friends at the time of them picking her up, right before they go out. Of course, we know this means not even really knowing these friends who she is hanging out with or how safe she is with the group in the car she is riding!
Unfortunately, my husband and I are becoming increasingly frustrated at the difficulty in keeping this rule in effect as it seems not all, if any, parents have a similar rule. Our daughter has expressed that she feels embarrassed that we need to do this, since "none" of her friends have to go through this. Our daughter's high school is not big (grades 9-12, each class size is approximately 170 to 200 students), so it seems like she has friends in all grade levels as she is very involved in sports and activities.
We are excited that she is involved and has become popular, but we are also very concerned about not being familiar with all of the new groups she hangs out with. How do we soften our rule without feeling like we have lost control in our uneasy feelings?
It's never a good idea to have a rule you can't enforce, so that's a consideration to begin with. You might ask yourselves if anything is going on that makes you worry, other than just normal worry. I think you're right that you're not going to get to know those people, so you might ask yourself what the real worry is. I'd be more likely to watch signs like grades falling or complaints from school or other parents, etc. Remember, you can always discreetly contact the parents of kids she hangs out with. Coming outside to the car to meet the driver may ease your feelings, but it sure isn't going to tell you anything about the driver. I'd look more for casual parental contact. There are other ways to get the information you're looking for, and to the extent possible, it's probably a smart thing not to embarrass her. Not an easy question, but like I said, it's often a good idea to look at what's possible."
Related Expert Q&A
- Do you feel it's more the school's responsibility or the parents' to stop the bullying?
- What advice would you have for parents who are dealing with bullying, whether it's their child doing the bullying or being bullied?
- My daughter, 18, wants to become a doula. What sort of education is necessary and what can she expect from this career?
- Will boys get stronger than girls who do a strength training regimen?
- What are the benefits of strength training for children?
More Answers by this Expert
- We recently moved into a new neighborhood, and my 8-year-old son has made friends with the 13-year-old boy next door. They share a common interest in sports, but I am reluctant to encourage the friendship because of the age difference. What should I do?
- Should I wait to tell my son about his complicated adoption until he is 18?
- My husband says an adopted child will feel inferior to our biological children. How can I argue that?
- Some classmates are teasing my son, and I am worried my son will gain a negative image of our family and adoption. What should I do?
- My daughter is getting married and she wants both her adoptive dad – my husband – and her biological father involved. How do I guide her in this? How do we word things on the program?