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Home › Expert Q&A › General › How can I relax about this "group dating" thing when it makes me so nervous?

Expert Q&A

 

By Sonny Elliott
Family Counselor/Author

"My daughter is 15 and is doing the "group" dating thing. She says it's not dating, but she and her friends get together in a big group of girls and boys and hang out. Anyway, being a single dad to her, I'm very nervous about this whole thing. It's only going to get worse when she really starts to date, but how can I calm down about this situation and realize that she's going to grow up -- and trust her to make good decisions?"

The key word here is "trust." I would invite you look at the "trust" issue beginning with yourself. Do you trust that you have instilled this primary "principal of relationship" within your daughter? Do you have a history of "trust" issues turning out with your daughter? Or perhaps there have been times when you have "trusted" your daughter, and that "trust" has been violated or you thought maybe it had been? Can you still converse with your daughter's mother about these type of issues?

In the area of trust, what we know for sure about people is that they don't always keep their word, and often the best we can hope for is that these individuals will clean up their mistakes appropriately and remake their agreements. Having said that, I think we can all include ourselves in the conversation of "cleaning up our mistakes" up once in a while, as this is normal human behavior.

Often teens will seem upset with parents for bringing up sensitive issues (like your situation) on the surface; but deeper down, they crave this, need this, want this, and deserve this feedback from their parents. Mostly, they just don't know how to begin this type of conversation, as it brings up the "how safe is it to confide in my parents" internal conversation for them.

However, it seems time to sit down with your daughter and to have this conversation in a "safe" environment. "Safe" means there will be no consequences, discipline or punishment for any past misdeeds (if indeed there are any) for her. Perhaps there will be new boundaries for the future, but it has to be "safe" for her to speak up without repercussions (she may need to be reassured) or she will most likely never come forward to "tell" on herself or confide in dad again! Certainly talking about boundaries (such as time to be home, what behavior is OK and not OK on these outings) in the area of behavior would be in order.

If you're able to open up the lines of communication at this time, I suspect when she begins "dating" it will be a smooth transition, and how fortunate you are to have time to be in full relationship prior to that!

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