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Expert Q&A
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| By Kate Cohen-Posey Therapist | ||
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I have a 13-year-old who is very strong-willed and has always pushed to the limit. I know it's normal for teenagers to push away from their parents, but lately my son has become more provocative about talking back and, to be honest, I'm not sure how to make him stop. My parents used to ground me or slap me if I talked to them like that, but I'm not into physical punishment. Besides, he's big enough to hit me back! Still, I get so angry when he talks back when I make a simple request. I don't have this problem with my 15-year-old son who is a more sensitive person -- but my youngest son is more controlling and strong-headed.
When you make requests, focus on compliance rather than your son's words. As a parent you have lots of power and you need to use it. Withhold ALL privileges (TV, video games, snacks, telephone, CDs, etc.) until he has completed the required task.
In some cases you can ask him when he plans to start a task. If he names a reasonable time, use that as the deadline. If he hasn't started at the designated time, withhold privileges, which will probably include whatever he is doing instead of the task. If he is doing absolutely nothing, be his conjoint twin or sing opera to him until he gets started.
If the time he names is unreasonable, then you name the deadline when the task needs to be started. Starting in five minutes is usually better than ?right now÷ because it gives people time to mentally prepare to get started. Don't worry about rolling eyes or mumbling, but if his words cross the line, use the same treatment as above. Withhold ALL privileges until he expresses his feelings in an acceptable manner or talks calmly about what is really bothering him. If he doesn't agree with what you are asking him to do, tell him you will discuss it after he has completed the task and then really consider his ideas.
This approach is clearly outlined in ?Brief Therapy Client Handouts÷ (John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 2000) in the "Powerful Parenting" chapter. It works in most cases, but if you still have problems, do not hesitate to consult a therapist.
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