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Home › Expert Q&A › Drug and Alcohol › What should we do about our 14-year-old daughter who smokes?

Expert Q&A

 

By Kate Cohen-Posey
Therapist

We have a 14-year-old daughter who we have just realized is smoking. We have talked to her about her health, but she sees her dad, aunties, uncle and grandparent all smoking. She has a friendship with a girl, 15 years old, who is allowed to smoke, and this girl is getting someone she knows to buy both of their cigarettes. She is a follower, and it worries me what she might do next.

The most important thing you can do is to realize your limits. You have already told your daughter the risks of smoking, and she has probably heard about this before. All you can really do is not allow her to smoke in your house and on your property. This will interfere with any habit she is developing. You could also refuse to allow her to spend the night with her friend who smokes, but then she will probably say she is spending the night somewhere else, and you will have to become a detective to know where she really is. It may be better to limit the number of over nights she can have with friends during the week or have her "earn" over nights by having friends spend the night at your house. The only other possibility is, if she is willing to make a deal with her dad, for them both to stop smoking.

Once you accept your limits, you might be able to learn some things from her by asking questions, but you have to ask these is the spirit of genuine curiosity, not with a hidden agenda to change her or start a debate:

  • What do you know about the harmful effects of smoking?
  • When do you think those effects start?
  • Knowing what you know, why do you want to smoke?
  • What would you do if you had a boyfriend who couldn't stand smoking breath?
  • If she eventually wants to have children: Would you smoke if you were pregnant? Do you know the effects on unborn children?

You mentioned that you are worried what she might do next. There is no evidence linking cigarette smoking to other substance abuse. In fact, some people can smoke cigarettes non-addictively. However, if you notice any dramatic drop in grades or changes in behavior, do not hesitate to consult a professional and/or get a drug test.

As much as you can, set limits you can enforce and then focus on building your bond with her by talking about things that interest her and earning (and not arguing with) her views. The more emphasis you place on controlling her and changing her, the more she will rebel.

Kate Cohen-Posey, M.S., LMHC, LMFT
Author of How to Handle Bullies Teasers and Other Meanies

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