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Expert Q&A

	By Susan Bartell Licensed Psychologist

The past three weekends, my ex-husband has instigated sleep overs at his house for my daughter and her girlfriends. My daughter is 17. At first I thought it was a nice way for him to be involved in her life and to meet her friends. The next weekend it happened, I felt it was a bit much, but I didn't want to squash my daughter's excitement. The third weekend, my gut just said something was wrong. I'm not proud, but I waited for my daughter to leave for school yesterday, and then I went straight to her MySpace page, looking for incriminating evidence. Boy did I find it! There is a photo posted on her page of her and several friends – boys included – standing in my ex-husband's living room with beer bottles in their hands. I am just sick, and I am scared. Do I turn this over to the authorities, knowing it will ruin my ex-husband's life and my relationship with my daughter? Do I confront her with this information? Do I confront my ex-husband? Please help me!

To begin with, let's face it, if your daughter is drinking at her father's house, she's drinking other places too. So should you confront your daughter? YES! The fact that she put it on her public MySpace means either she wanted you to catch her, or she has very poor judgment, not thinking she'd get caught. If it's the first, then good for you! If it's the second, then you can be sure that her poor judgment is extending into other much more dangerous areas (like drinking for sure; drinking and driving? and who knows what else). Next, you definitely need to talk to your ex-husband about it. I'd suggest saving the MySpace photos as evidence before confronting either of them – if not they will surely vanish. You need to find out for sure whether her father knows that she and her friends were drinking in his house. I assume you think he was actively encouraging it; even a part of it. In either case I'd suggest that your daughter not be allowed to sleep at her father's house any more. However, I'd strongly suggest that you keep a closer eye on her in general, because I'm confident that her father's house is not the only place she and her friends are drinking. If he was actively encouraging the drinking you could go to the authorities – many states now have 'Social Host" laws, which hold adults accountable for underage drinkers in their homes. Your ex-husband could be convicted of a crime. However, ruining your husband's life and causing your daughter to resent you for getting her dad into that much trouble may not be worth it. The most important part of this is to assess your daughter's level of regular alcohol consumption and keep her as far away from alcohol and other drugs as possible.

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