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Home › Expert Q&A › Drug and Alcohol › How can I get my 13-year-old to stop drinking alcohol and smoking?

Expert Q&A

 

By Sonny Elliott
Family Counselor/Author

I have a 13-year-old daughter, my only child, who gets good grades and usually is a good kid. However, since we recently moved from Florida to Hong Kong she's started smoking and drinking. (It's not illegal to smoke or drink as a minor in Hong Kong.) I know we have a problem with self-esteem and fitting in, but I have no clue how to fight this one. Any suggestions?

First I invite you to realize that there isn't anything to "fight," but rather this is a relationship issue to be talked through to achieve satisfying results. Just as people tend to be what they eat, I also feel people tend to show up in relationships consistent with their language or their speaking.

Thirteen-year-olds all over the world are engaged in attempting to "fit in,÷ to "make it" with their peers, and this is very normal. And, it would seem, your daughter is wanting to get your attention -- and she has!

Since the rules have changed for your daughter, it seems perhaps this is part of what is going on. However, I am wondering what rules or guidelines you have in your home. Is this behavior even much of a conversation, let alone routine behavior?

In life there are natural consequences for actions, such as if your late for the plane, you miss your flight. What consequences have you brought to bear for this behavior? I don't mean discipline or punishment, I mean some version of "this is how it works here" and ?when these rules are violated, here are the consequences.÷

As far as interacting with your daughter, I would invite you to talk to her about the move and the challenges she is facing. Your job is to listen. This "listening" is the biggest missing ingredient in today's teenagers? lives, and it shows up in study after study. Parents tend to think their job is "telling" and I suggest it is actually more of asking questions and listening!

Perhaps you can have her understand -- coming from a place of compassion -- that these habits are destructive and will sabotage her future. These forms of behavior are heavily documented as ones teens basically will never recover from -- even if the behavior lasts for a short time. While this is tied in with her self-worth, that most likely isn't the conversation to be having. Perhaps you can share with her the distinction between being a leader and a follower, or discuss what type of future she really wants. In other words, tie her current behavior into her future role in the world. In life people get exactly what they focus on.

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