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Expert Q&A

	By Sonny Elliott Family Counselor/Author

My youngest is a 17-year-old. When I think of her "leaving the nest" to head to school in a few months, I feel devastated. This is "freedom," it's what we've joked about wanting ever since they were little! But I feel lonely and a little lost, as though my work is all done. They're adults and it's almost as though they won't need me anymore. Are these feelings normal? What can I do with them?

It could be said that "freedom is owning what has owned you." Another point of view is " you can't have anything you're not willing to not have."

Anytime we feel any "loss" from a death of a loved one, a pet missing, or a child going off to school, there is a natural grieving process that occurs. The length of the grieving process is primarily dependent upon the quality and type of relationship that has been altered. This is the time to have compassion for yourself and fully appreciate the relationship you have experienced. The exciting thing occurring here is the quality of your relationship is about expand into another dimension, that of being friends as well as being the mother. And I know you're friends now, but this will alter powerfully as time passes.

Clearly you will continue to be a major influence in your child's life, even as the form of it alters. I invite you to fully engage in the grieving process, as this is exactly what will get you through your pain the most rapidly. Your daughter will be going through her grieving process as well, and this means your guidance is very critical since you have the opportunity to serve as a model for her. This in turn will be a major part of your healing, and this is called contribution. When one contributes to another human being -- as you well know -- the quality of your life expands naturally.

Also, I would not be shy about sharing your intimate feelings with your daughter, as this is part of the healing process, and will most likely give her more permission to share her feelings with you. And it is alright to be "strong" but often being vulnerable and open is much stronger than holding up or toughing it out.

It could be said that you have gotten your job done, and now you get to enjoy the fruits of all those years of encouraging, training, worrying and being there for your daughter. You're still very much needed, but the form is changing, not your feelings for each other. As for what to do with your feelings: share them responsibly, own them, embrace them, as this is your process right now, and everything is exactly as it should be, and what a wonderful opportunity you have!

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