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Expert Q&A

	By Kate Cohen-Posey Therapist

Our 15-year-old daughter can't think things through. She follows whatever urges she has and then waits for the consequences. She also constantly lies to avoid the consequences.

For instance, last night we discovered she had a boy crawl through her bedroom window, and that led to the confession that she has been having sex. (I've always told her to talk to me before she makes that decision, that I wouldn't be mad, but that we needed to talk about it first.) She has a boyfriend, and the boy who climbed through her window wasn't him. It gets more confusing, and it took about an hour to get at least some details. She changed the story at least 20 times, and I would have to deduce things and call the people she had in her story to get confirmation. She gets so into the lies, she can't remember what she said and then pretty soon the story is so tangled she can't figure out what to say next. It's a mess.

The lying is definitely an issue, but what concerns me is her lack of being able to control her urges. We will go to counseling, and we've been before (issues on the clothes she was wearing and her defensiveness). She is very convincing. She usually gets the counselor wrapped around her finger, and they tell us she is fine. They don't think there is a problem. "She is a wonderful child, knows right from wrong." I don't think she does. She just repeats to the counselors what we've said to her about why what she is doing is wrong. She is incredible at repeating the information. She just chooses not to follow it.

She has a strong family, lots of love. Her dad is very involved in her life, but he is also very lenient and gives her the benefit of the doubt, which she takes advantage of. On the other hand, I am the task master, and I know when she is pulling a fast one. I love her very much, and every time we have issues, we sit down and go over why she shouldn't be doing what she is doing. She says she understands and then waits for things to cool off, then she is back at it again until she gets caught the next time. I can tell she looks up to me and appreciates that I care enough to not let her getaway with things, but she can't seem to stop following her urges and lying to avoid consequences. Is this normal teenage behavior?

I think you are minimizing your daughter's behavior by saying she can't seem to stop following her "urges." Lying is pretty normal teenage behavior, but having sex with boys other than her boyfriend indicates that she has become caught up in the dark side of adolescence or that she, indeed, has very little conscience and that she is good at conning even you. Some teens do engage in extremely promiscuous sex, and with girls that can indicate a low self-esteem, drug use or other problems.

When you see this counselor, find out if it is someone who does family counseling. Both you and your husband need to be involved and to work as a team. A father who makes a firm but fair presence can make all the difference with teens. You might also have her tested for STDs. What you discovered could indicate much more involvement in sex, but testing for STDs is a logical consequence of what you did find. You might also consider birth control. Hopefully she will be able to admit what she is really doing with this counselor and examine the sources of her behavior. It may require more vigilance and detective work on you and your husband's part to help her be honest with herself and her counselor.

Kate Cohen-Posey, LMHC, LMFT
Author of How to Handle Bullies, Teasers and Other Meanies"

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