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Home › Expert Q&A › Dating and Sex › My 15-year-old has become sexually involved with a boy who is sexually promiscuous and uses drugs. What shall I do?

Expert Q&A

 

By Paul Coleman
Psychologist Family Therapist

My daughter grew up in a domestic violence household with her dad and me until she was 10. She is now 15 and dating a complete loser. She lost her virginity to him after a month and he lies, steals and cheats on her with her friend. Rumor is he has cheated with numerous others. She believes everything he tells her and I can't keep her from him. He is not allowed at my house, but she still sees him when she's not at home. Please help me figure out the best way to handle this. He also drinks, smokes and does drugs. She also lies to me so I won't get mad when she is with him. Help!

One of the many tragic consequences of domestic violence is that the children are at a much higher risk for drug abuse, truancy, and promiscuity. It is also possible that your daughter was sexually abused. Don't be too quick to deny that possibility ? sexual abuse is often kept secret by the victim.

The first thing I would do is seek a therapist who is trained in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). EMDR was developed in 1989 by Dr. Francine Shapiro (I recommend her book for the lay person.) It is a truly extraordinary method for treating post-traumatic stress disorder and similar problems, which your daughter is likely experiencing. EMDR helps a person to no longer suffer the traumatic effects of abuse and is often successful in 2-4 sessions (more or less, depending upon the degree of trauma.)

While your daughter may be reluctant to see a therapist if the goal is to talk her out of seeing her boyfriend, she may be very willing to try this procedure to help her resolve some traumatic memories -- especially if treatment is brief. In all likelihood, the traumatic memories are fueling her current behavior problems of acting out sexually and (undoubtedly) poor self-esteem. (You may find it a useful treatment for yourself, as well.)

However, her past may not be the only factor contributing to her current behavior problems. Peer pressure, for example, is a powerful force. You did not mention if she still sees her father or if you have a boyfriend. If you are dating (or have a live-in boyfriend) then you and your daughter are in a similar developmental phase -- trying to develop intimacy with a member of the opposite sex. If you are sexual with your boyfriend, you frankly will have less power of persuasion trying to convince your daughter to abstain from sex. Model self-respect by not letting any man take advantage of you and by having sex only in a committed (that is, married) relationship. By the way, if you are dating someone, you are at higher risk for being abused again. And your daughter is at higher risk for being sexually abused by the man. Please be certain of the integrity of your partner.

Besides EMDR, you need leverage. If you are a single parent you are already overburdened. Teens with conduct disorders often get away with the behaviors because parents do not set clear rules (that don't contain loopholes a teenager can slip through) or the negative consequences for disobedience are ineffective or inconsistently applied. Consequences must be so negative that a teen would rather give up the objectionable behaviors rather than tolerate the punishment. But the punishment cannot be abusive.

Dr. Scott Sells has a book called "Treating the Tough Adolescent," written for therapists. He has some useful, novel ideas. For example, the next time your daughter sees her boyfriend (obviously the rule should be that she cannot see him) then when she returns she can find all of her clothing gone. You will have put it in storage or at a friend's. You will give her a pawn ticket that states she is entitled to receive her belongings back in seven days if she never sees that boyfriend during that time. Or, you can remove her most precious possessions (CD player, makeup, TV, hair dryer, cell phone, etc.) and give her a pawn ticket explaining how she can get them back. She will scream bloody murder and threaten all kinds of things, but stick to your guns. You also may have to be willing to take time off from work and follow her when she goes out, or you may want to go to school and sit in her classroom. Failure to monitor a teen's behavior is a major stumbling block to successful treatment. If they sneak and get to do what they want to do and you don't know it, your interventions will fail.

If she "runs away" and you know she is with her boyfriend or other friends, do a couple of things. First, contact every parent of every friend and explain the situation. Most parents are willing to help you and will not harbor your daughter. If she is gone for 24 hours, call the police and file a missing person's report, even if you believe she will return on her own soon. Then make dozens of photocopies of her photograph and have it plastered all over town and in her school.

When she returns home, let the punishment be the pawn ticket or the humiliation of having her photo around town. Don't lecture or scold or give her the cold shoulder. In fact, show some kindness. Make her a hot supper, tell her you are happy she is home. Show affection. If she won't accept hugs, then make sure you pat her arm or shoulder as you pass her. Tell her you love her. Your leverage will be the enforced consequences, not a lecture. If she starts an argument, leave the room and refuse to talk with her while she?s yelling or abusive.

Lastly, review your past efforts. Since relapse is inevitable (she will test you again, believe me), you may have been doing the right thing, but gave up on your efforts too soon. Also, are there times when she is cooperative? What's different about those times? Perhaps there are clues you can find as to why she is better behaved on occasion.

Keep trying. You have more resolve than you think you do. I wish you the best.

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