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Expert Q&A

	By John C. Friel, Ph.D. Psychologists

My 13-year-old son is preoccupied with sex and is looking for porn on the internet. He purchased condoms in a mall men's room just to try them but says he is not sexually active. Is this normal behavior or should I be concerned?

This is normal behavior. Whenever we feel anxiety welling up in our chests regarding our children, it behooves us to take a deep breath, step back, and look at the big picture -- which is that none of us would be here now were it not for the biologically-driven urge to reproduce!

It is also helpful, whenever we feel lost in life, to take out a piece of paper, draw two circles or boxes at opposite ends of the paper, connect them with a straight line, and then label each box with the two extremes on whatever issue it is that is puzzling you. For example, on the issue of sexuality, one parenting extreme would be to tell your children (or to imply by your nonverbal behavior) that sex is dirty and evil, and that the sexual urges that increase during puberty are dirty and evil. By promoting this extreme position, you will produce one of two outcomes -- a young man or woman who has so much guilt and shame and confusion about sexuality that they are incapable of having a loving and/or lasting marriage, OR one who becomes sexually promiscuous, even sexually addicted.

At the other extreme might be the parent who is trying to undo the extreme prudishness of his or her own parents by being without boundaries around the children, flaunting sexuality at every turn, engaging in inappropriate nudity "because sex is no big deal," and putting too much focus on sex. The net result of this extreme might be very much the same as the other -- children who are sexually preoccupied and/or addicted, or, children who overcompensate by becoming prudish and sexually oppressed. The delightful film, "Chocolat," portrays this kind of prudishness beautifully.

So, what's in the middle? Sex is a normal, healthy, spiritual part of life. It is fun, sacred, multi-faceted, serious, and joyful. It is neither the central feature of a family, nor is it unimportant or unnecessary. The health of a couple's sex life is an excellent barometer of how their marriage is faring. But it is also very powerful, and has some powerful consequences, and the age at which we take in certain sexual information can affect our later attitudes about sex.

Because of that, we would talk to our son, as you did, about why he bought the condoms and ask if he is sexually active. This would obviously be a signal that we need to talk to him about responsible sex, how sex is supposed to be in the context of love and relationship, how to have sexual boundaries, etc. As for the pornography on the internet, there is no way to completely control his access to pictures of naked people or people engaged in the act of intercourse, except to lock him in a padded cell indefinitely. But you can calmly say that you will not allow him to have that access in your home, and that you will put blocking software on the home computer so that he won't be tempted. Then, be sure to put the blocking software on the computer. But remember, stopping behavior is hardly ever as effective as being a good role model yourself for respect, love, good boundaries, and appropriate expressions of love and affection within the family.

Good Luck.
John C. Friel, Ph.D."

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