728x90
my iParenting
From Our Sponsors
e-newsletters
Sign up to receive our free weekly e-newsletters

new terms of use
new privacy policy
award-winning products
The iParenting Media Awards program helps parents find the best products for their families.
Home › Expert Q&A › Dating and Sex › How do we open our daughter's eyes to the social criticism of interracial dating and guide her toward other possibilities?

Expert Q&A

 

By Kate Cohen-Posey
Therapist

We are 40 something, white parents who were raised up North. We grew up in a very segregated area with regard to race. Our home environments did not condone interracial dating. To this day, my husband is adamantly against interracial dating, most especially for our daughter. I tend to agree with him, but also can see the other side of the matter.

We now live in Atlanta, a very ethnically mixed environment, and find that our 15 1/2-year-old daughter is attracted to/prefers black boys. She "dated" and kissed a particular boy in eighth grade and is now in 10th grade and still cares deeply for him. She has been told, explicitly, that this is not acceptable in our home and yet she still continues to follow her own impulses (using the phone to call him and possibly sneaking to see him).

Recently, she allowed this boy into our home when we were not there. When my husband unexpectedly came home, the boy ran out of the back door and took off. Our daughter tried to lie her way out of the situation but then told us that it was in fact the same boy as in eighth grade.

There are many issues here but the main problems are the lying, disrespecting the rules and the fact that we just cannot seem to get through to her that she is setting herself up for much social criticism and unacceptance with regard to the interracial dating. We love her dearly and need to know how do we open her eyes and guide her toward other possibilities? How do you get her to respect the rules of the house without totally pushing her away? This is a very sensitive topic and your advice would be much appreciated!"

I think there are more issues than your daughter lying and disrespecting your rules. You have a house rule with which your daughter does not agree, which makes it difficult for her to follow it and creates a situation ripe for lying. It also creates a barrier that prevents her from being open about what is happening in her life, and it is difficult enough for teens to talk to their parents.

How much do you know about your daughter's friend? Is he involved in extra curricular activities? Does he make decent grades? What does she like about him? Has she really liked other black young men or has she mainly been friends with him for three years? What are other kids at your daughter's school doing? You might be surprised at the amount of interracial dating going on. I live in a Southern town, and some white kids like "acting" black, which is considered very cool.

It sounds like you are caught in the middle between your husband and daughter. I think your role needs to be to understand each person's side to the fullest extent possible without trying to change either person. Tell your daughter you cannot change her father's decision, but you do want to understand more about what she likes about her friend and how black and white kids interact at her school. Let your husband know that you are with him in spirit, but that you are as concerned with consequences of being "out of the loop" in knowing how your daughter thinks and feels as you are about what she will suffer from society's attitude about interracial dating.

If you find out that this boy is into drugs and other dangerous behaviors, it might be worth becoming a 24-hour a day detective and suffering a breech in your relationship with your daughter to keep her from having contact with him. If he is basically a decent kid, you might want to understand in more depth what is really bothering your husband about her being with someone black.

Now I will switch hats and speak as a parent. When my daughter entered high school, it seemed like all the black boys were calling her, and I noticed my own gut reaction. I told a friend of mine I was afraid I was a racist, because it would bother me if my daughter dated someone black. She told me that the only way racism would end in our society was when we all became mixed, and for some strange reason, that put my mind at ease.

My husband and I never did have to deal with inter-racial dating, but my daughter did date someone who was entirely too old for her. All of our friends and family told us to forbid it, but I knew if we did, she would still find a way to see him at very sleazy places. We did meet the young man, and he had enough good qualities that it wasn't worth damaging our relationship to forbid her to see him. During the 10 months they dated, she was able to talk to me when they had problems and ultimately they broke up. It was a very scary time for us as parents. It could have been a terrible mistake, but fortunately it worked out fine and in some ways drew us closer, and it is not a part of her life she has to hide from us.

I know you are struggling with some very difficult issues, and I hope in some way these thoughts will help.

Kate Cohen-Posey MS LMHC LMFT"

Related Expert Q&A

More Answers by this Expert

View more Q&A by this Expert