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Expert Q&A

	By Chris Crutcher Author, Licensed Child and Family Therapist

Our 17-year-old son has run away with the assistance of his grandmother for the third time. In May 2005, she assisted him in traveling to another state. Two days before Thanksgiving, she allowed him to "move in" with her and Grandpa. Each time our son has violated one of our house rules (which Grandma and Grandpa originally agreed were reasonable, but both believed were too lenient), and he did not want to deal with the consequences of his actions (i.e. suspension of privileges or use of the car and/or cell phone we provided him).

She is teaching our son that when confronted with a situation, rather than resolving an issue, it's OK to run away from it or face the consequences of his actions. She has indicated that it does not matter that our home is a safe and loving place. If our son calls her and asks for her help, she indicates will and she has dropped everything to help him at any cost. Grandpa passive aggressively tolerates her behavior all the while telling "us" he does not agree with her but his hands are tied. How can we get them to understand that their behavior is destructive and totally opposite of what is needed to help our son and their grandson become a responsible adult?

I realize that this is a very abbreviated version of our situation, but I am at my wits end with their interference. In the past, I've tried to talk to them and was kicked out of their house for not agreeing to allow them temporary custody of our son and for not see things "their way." At the time, we had one of the ministers from our church with us while we attempted to resolve the crisis. My husband left the meeting in tears completely frustrated, and the minister and me were summarily kicked out the house by Grandma.

So again my question is, how can I get my son's grandparents to realize that their behavior is destructive and totally opposite of what is needed to help our son and their grandson become a responsible adult?

You can't. They're old, and if they were willing to look at the different perspectives, they already would have. There is a whole other question of the grandparents' relationship to their own kid (I'm not sure whether that's you or your husband). I'm missing some information here; namely what the rules of the house are that he won't follow. Are they flexible in the sense that you'll let him participate in making them as long as the compromise comes to the same result. Kids often hold the same behavioral value system as their parents but argue about how to get there. That's the place parents can find some flexibility. I say that partly because he's 17. There is not a lot of time here until he can do what he pleases, and in fact that's probably mostly true now. So I'd back up and ask myself what kind of relationship I want to have with my son when he's an adult. If his grandmother is a meddler and unreasonable with you in your quest to make things right for your son, he will figure that out when he runs afoul of her at some point.

I would tell my son that he can come home any time he wants and we will try to work things out. When/if he does come home I'd make sure my rules attended to his emotional/physical safety, and I would deal with him on other issues: agree on an outcome before starting discussions, then figure out a way to get there. If it can't be done, go to a referee (therapist). Aside from that, I let him know I love him and he is always welcome back to work things out, but that he has to understand my considerations in the same way I have to understand his.

I'm guessing there is a lot more to this that could have been corrected when he was a lot younger. Timing is critical. It sounds as if his grandmother has some kind of personality structure that allows her to get something out of the fight. She's not going to be much help.

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