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Expert Q&A

	By Jennifer Brout-Lynn psychologist

I have a 12-year-old daughter who is having trouble in middle school. She had a good group of about 4 girls in elementary school, but since middle school, she seems to be floundering as far as friendships go. She wants to stay home all the time. She doesn't want to be involved in an extra-curricular activities. She says that I am her best friend, which is wonderful, but I worry that it's not exactly normal. She has never been shy, but all of a sudden she is worried about people liking her. How can I help her?

It is very painful to watch one's daughter go through the trials and tribulations of adolescent socialization. However, social difficulties are completely normal at this stage! I am not mimimizing your daughter's distress or your concern. However, her behavior may simply be transitional, and as the school year moves ahead this may work itself out. The fact that she referred to you as her "best friend" is not a symptom of anything unusual. During adolescnece children vacillate between the ties to their family and to their friends, as they try to find the balance. This is a sign that she trusts you knows she can depend on your support.

Your instincts to do someting pro-active to help her are right on target! Try to get your daughter to talk openly with you about what she is going through. Be very careful not to make a "big deal" about it, but let her know that she can discuss her feelings with you. Explain to her that this is a "normal" part of the teenage years and that you understand that she is suffering. If she opens up to you about the details of what is going on in school, then do your best to guide her. It's always helpful to tell stories from your own youth if they apply. If your daughter does not seem to feel better after your discussions and continues to want to stay home, you should constult a professional. It is often helpful to start with the guidance counselor at your duaghter's school or the school psychologist. You may need to assess if your daughter is depressed (and if so how depressed she is), and the school psychologist or guidance counselor can help with that.

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