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Introduction

JUST DESSERTS

Last week Rafael and I attended a Christmas party held for the people with whom I work. I had volunteered to make desserts and made a special, Venezuelan torte called Torta Marķa, which is Andrew's favorite, and flan, another dessert that Andrew loves.

Both Andrew and Ian were sad to see these delicacies go out the door without being able to have any. But I promised that I'd bring home any leftovers and, as it turned out, there was a lot left at the end of the evening. The boys were waiting up when we got home and dug in.

The next evening, while Rafael and I were out again, I called home on the cell phone and Ian answered. He informed me that Andrew was "chowing down" on the flan. I hadn't had any of the desserts yet and was looking forward to having a serving of flan when I got home, so I asked Ian to let me speak to Andrew. But when I asked Andrew to save me some flan, he informed me that there hadn't been very much left over, and he had already eaten it all. I knew that there had been a substantial amount still on the dish, and was frustrated at Andrew for eating it all, without thought to anyone else. This has been a bit of an issue at our house -- trying to instill thoughtfulness toward others when there is a special treat that we all enjoy. (In other words, don't eat it all before anyone else gets any!)

Andrew, as usual, began to defend himself and argue. I tried to tell him I didn't want to hear it, but he kept yelling over the phone anyway, so I hung up on him. You know how sometimes you just feel so frustrated at your kid that you have to let it out? Well, this was one of those times. I complained to Rafael, in frustration, about how Andrew, at times, thinks only of himself, exaggerates the truth, then defends himself, and wants to argue until I agree that he is totally correct and innocent of any wrongdoing.

As I was ranting, I thought I heard a voice coming from the cell phone. I picked it up, but everything appeared in order. I pressed a few buttons anyway, just to be sure, and laid the phone back down in my lap. Then the phone rang. It was Andrew. "I just wanted to let you know that you didn't hang up the phone after our conversation," he informed me. "We heard your whole conversation on the speaker phone." So, I had heard a voice ... his -- and then when I fiddled with the phone, I had hung it up for the first time. That had enabled Andrew to then call and inform me of the fact that he and Ian had been privy to our whole conversation regarding his errant ways. Although frustration made me exclaim, "Good, then you know how frustrated I am and how I really feel sometimes."

I felt awful that he had overheard -- and on the speakerphone, no less! But maybe it really did him some good to hear how his actions affect others.

Even though it seems at times that you are speaking in the wind, and none of your words sink into your teenager's consciousness, I believe that, little by little, what you say begins to make an impact. Sure, I would prefer to be able to say that I always speak to Andrew in a respectful, mature manner, and that love is the only motion guiding my words. But I'm sure, even without listening on the speakerphone, Andrew knows that I get angry and frustrated with him. But I hope, and am fairly certain, that he also knows that I do love him, and that I am trying to teach him to be a caring, thoughtful, honest and good person.

Jean