Jean's Diary Entries Diary Navigation: Choose A Diary Entry -------------------- Latest Entry: 3/16/01 -------------------- 3/9/01 3/2/01 2/15/01 1/31/01 1/17/01 1/10/01 12/21/00 12/14/00 11/29/00 6/19/00 5/12/00 4/24/00 4/17/00 3/23/00 3/16/00 2/29/00 2/18/00 2/2/00 1/25/00 1/18/00 -------------------- Jean's Introduction

January 10, 2001

Me, myself and I -- sometimes it seems these are the only people teenagers tend to think about. Being a longtime teacher of teenagers, you'd think that I'd understand this developmental stage, and therefore be more tolerant of it. But I have to admit that it bothers me when someone constantly puts his/her own wishes and needs ahead of others. Rafael and I have always tried to teach our sons to be thoughtful, to be aware of the needs of others, and when possible, to put others first. Open the door for others, serve them first, give others first choice.

But, sometimes, it seems like we're just not getting through to Andrew with this message. For Christmas, Andrew put a pair of $150 gloves on his wish list. To make sure that we knew this was his top choice, Andrew circled "a pair of really cool gloves" on the list and drew large arrows pointing to it. He also wanted the latest James Bond "Nintendo 64" game, a car, a helicopter, and a brand-new Ian (his younger brother).

Ian also wanted a "Nintendo" game, but didn't specify which one. Rafael knew that both boys loved "Mario Tennis,” so we chose that as a gift that the two of them could share. I got Andrew a car and a helicopter (Matchbox, that is), but we just couldn't swallow paying $150 for a pair of gloves.

So, several weeks before Christmas, Rafael and I spoke with Andrew about the gloves so that he wouldn't be disappointed on Christmas morning. For one thing, we argued, gloves are so easily lost, and Andrew does tend to lose things. For another, we just didn't see the need for such high-tech gloves -- Andrew isn't in the habit of climbing Mt. Everest, after all. And I'm a little embarrassed to say that I pulled out the old "starving kids in Africa" argument. I told Andrew that it just didn't seem morally right to spend $150 on gloves when a perfectly good pair of gloves could be had for much less and when there were starving and homeless kids in the world who didn't even have the basics of life.

Andrew's reply was, "But that's what I want. Shouldn't a kid get what he really wants for Christmas?"

The discussion lasted for several days, and finally we worked out a deal. Andrew had wanted really expensive gloves for Christmas last year, and Rafael had bought them. Unfortunately, they were too big for Andrew, and by the time they went back to exchange them, the store had no more left. So Rafael offered to buy last year's gloves for $20, and give Andrew a good pair that cost less than $150. Andrew reluctantly agreed, pointing out that meant he had only gotten a $20 Christmas gift last year. (Never mind all the other great gifts we bought him!)

So Christmas morning came and Andrew was happy with his $50 lighter that he needs for winter camping with the Boy Scouts, his car and helicopter, and his brand new Ian (a small, boy doll with a sign around his neck that reads, "Hi! My name is Ian"). But he wasn't happy with the Mario Tennis game -- he had already beaten that game and therefore it held no interest for him. Several days later, in a weak moment of good will, Rafael bought Andrew the James Bond game and everyone was happy.

Then, the other day after a big snow, Rafael went out to shovel before taking Andrew to buy Magic cards with his allowance money. Rafael had left his (formerly Andrew's) gloves in the truck, which had mountains of snow around it, so he borrowed Andrew's new gloves to shovel his way to the truck. He asked me to tell Andrew so that he wouldn't be looking for his gloves when he was ready to come out.

When I delivered the message, Andrew replied incredulously, "What? Why isn't he using his own gloves? I'll bet he’s using my gloves without liners!"

"I'm just the messenger," I replied.

Andrew stuck his head out the door and yelled, "Dad! Are you using my gloves without liners? Don't you know that skin oils from the hands will ruin the gloves? These gloves have to be used with liners! Use your own gloves!"

Have you ever heard of gloves that can be ruined by skin oils from the hands? I haven't. But then, the world is changing quickly, and there are so many things I have never heard of. But one thing that I hope will never change is generosity and putting others first. That is what makes us human, and what builds community. So again, I reminded Andrew to be kind, thoughtful, and to think of others. He had gotten what he wanted for Christmas, and a great pair of gloves, to boot. Surely he could share with his dad, who gives him so much. I wondered if the message would ever sink in.

But then yesterday, I received a ray of hope. Two days ago I'd invited an exchange teacher from Thailand to have dinner with us, and we'd really enjoyed hearing about her country, her family and her life in Thailand. This wonderful woman, however, is having a difficult time in her host family and host school, and I had the idea to invite her to live with us and work in a school here in St. Paul, if all could be arranged with the exchange program.

Last night during dinner I brought up the idea of having her live with us until summer, expecting a lot of protests. But, to my delight, both boys and Rafael immediately warmed to the idea. Andrew said it would be interesting, and nice to help her out, and urged that we should definitely invite her to come. I explained how this would change things around here for five months, and how we would have to convert the TV room into her room. This room is the place where the boys spend a lot of time watching TV, playing Nintendo or Magic -- their "hang out.” But they said that was fine, they didn't mind.

Whether or not the teacher will come is still up in the air, but one thing I feel more assured of is that our words do slowly make an impact on our children. One day, Andrew may be wanting an outrageously expensive pair of high-tech gloves, and yelling at his father for using his gloves without liners, but the next day he is offering to give up his TV room and privacy to share our home with a stranger. Some days it may be "me, myself and I", but others days it is "you first.” And I have confidence that as the years pass, the message will continue to mature.

Jean