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November 10, 2004
That is the only thing I know I can really count on these days as far as things go with Joshua. The Dear Lord above that is.
First off, let me start out my discussing Joshua's latest progress reports.
Science 96 A
Social Studies 75 C
Algebra I 91.7 B
Spanish 80.3 B
Art 97.8 A
Language Arts 58.6 F
I must say, except for Language Arts Joshua has been doing a much better job with school so far this nine weeks. Maybe calling him into that meeting 4 1/2 weeks ago did do something.
The thing that really burns me about the whole LA grade is the fact that not once since the 1st week of this 9 weeks (the week after the meeting) did Mrs. H even bother to sign Joshua's agenda or make any kind of notation on it, period.
As with all the teachers before them, Joshua's core teachers agreed that they would ask Joshua for his agenda and sign it on a daily basis, noting any assignments not turned in, or any other positive or negative things that occured during class that day. For example: one day right after the meeting, the Sience/SS teacher noted to me that Joshua had been very vocal and participated very well in the discussion and question seccion that day.
Anyway, I was at the school yesterday at the end of the day to pick up a paper for Dr.M to fill out for the 504, and I had the Sec. leave a message for each of the core teachers that had been in the meeting with me, to call me this morning during their prep-period.
Well, Mrs. H just happened to be the teacher that called me, and just the one that I really needed to call on about what she said she would do in order to keep Joshua from "falling through the cracks" so to speak.
Of course, Mrs. H immediately put the blame on Joshua for not bringing the agenda to her. I once again reminded her of the conversation we had at the meeting, stating that they would need to ask for the agenda because Joshua does not remember to take it to them at the end of the period before heading to his next class. That is most of the problem, when Joshua has his mind in mode to get to his next class, that is about the only step he can concentrate on. I know, I have known this child his entire life, he remembers about 1 step at a time, and cleaning up his things, making sure he has what he needs for the next class, and getting to the next class on time, well that he really 3 steps in a row, and he does good to remember those 3, not alone add another thing in there, that is why they need to ask him daily for the agenda.
So, I reminded her of that issue, and that being the reason for them to be the adult, whom just happens to be in one classroom all day long, and they can't even remember to ask for the agenda, what do they expeact Joshua to do when he has to prepare for and change to another classroom.
I also reminded Mrs. H that Joshua is also ODD (oppositional Defiant Disorder), and when they do not put things in black and white (or whatever color), in that agenda, I have a hard time enforcing things. Joshua tells me something is done, but what proof do I have that it is or isn't if the teachers do not take the time to tell me something was or wasn't turned in as it was supposed to. As the principal says, we have to buy those agenda's for Parent/Teacher communication, why aren't they being used for that?
Get this, Mrs. H excpects me to call her on a daily basis if need be to remind her to sign the agenda. Can you believe it?!?!?! Who is the one that needs to get organized here? Really!!!!
I have an appt with Dr. M for my daughter tomorrow, so hopefully I can get him to fill out the paper for Joshua in the next couple of days, that may be the only thing holding up getting the 504 written. There really still is hope!
Now, the other major issue at hand with Joshua, if I can call it one issue seeing that there really are many issues leading up to the problems he has. One of them being his bio-father for sure.
I have really thought about this and wasn't going to write about it. I have lost a couple of nights sleep over it, and it is nearly making me sick just thinking about it over and over.
How can this really be my child?!?!?!
First off let me start by saying this isn't the first time Joshua has shown violence towards me.
A couple of nights ago we were upstairs, all the children and I. I had been painting Ashers room, Brianna had been playing with Asher in the hallway and her room, and the older boys were both supposed to be doing homework if they had it (of course Joshua said he didn't have any as usual) and otherwise they were to be cleaning up their room.
Joshua had been kind of mouthy since he came home from school. As usual, he gets to do something special, and he is totally disrespectful and unappreciative after the fact. As a reward for good behavior at school, the school took them to the movie theater to see a movie during the school day. The kids had to pay 300 dolphin dollars, plus the $5 for the movie to be able to go. The teachers give out DD's as rewards for doing well in class, participating in discussions etc., and other things, and rewards events such as the movie, dances, and such all require a fee plus a fairly large amount of DD's.
Joshua had just paid out a bunch of DD's to be able to get into the Halloween Dance after school last week, so he was really scraping to get enough to go to the movie. Just luckily he kept all his DD's from last yr and one of the teachers he had last yr exchanged them out for this yrs DD's, which made him fairly close to having enough. I then gave him money for the Make a DIfference day walk, which in turn the teachers added a 0 to the $ amount and gave them that many DD's, I then gave Joshua the $5 for the cost of the movie.
Now you know that senario.
So Joshua came home late, I guess they ended up seeing a different movie because the movie they were going to see (sharktale) was no longer showing (you would think someone from the school would have checked on that prior to going, but who am I to say) and that made them late getting out of the movie. One of the buses had to be used for a route, so it left, that made them a bus short to take the children back to school, so they took the bus riders back to school first, leaving the walkers at the theater, then later went back and got the walkers and took them back to school. This made Joshua getting home nearly an hr later than usual. You talk about starting to freak out, and the school didn't even bother to notify the parents about this late arrival.
Things seemed to be fine with Joshua when he got home. He was playing with Asher as usual, and then I reminded him nicely he had a room to clean. Once again he started playing around and I had to get one him sternly to get to his room and clean-up.
I guess that his when it all started. For some reason he picked up a sandle Asher had carried out into the hall from Brianna's room, and he threw it at Brianna, hitting her right in the side of the head. Immediately she started crying and holding her head, and Joshua as quickly got a major attitude and yelled at her to "shut the heck up, he didn't hurt her", and kept going on and on about what a whimp she was.
That was it, I had had it. He is constantly hitting, smacking, and throwing things at her, and enough is enough. I had been up alot with the baby the night before, plus I was not feeling well myself, and I just couldn't take it.
I went in the room remaining calm, and Joshua kept running his mouth about Brianna being a whimp, and he was just laying on his bed, instead of cleaning as I had told him to do. I called him on the issue of hitting his sister, and he said some smart/foul mouthed comment to me, and turned his back to me to try and shut me out.
That was it, I just couldn't take it anymore. I probably was wrong to do it, and wasn't be an example of good control myself. But, calmly I picked up his nylon wallet (which was empty) and threw it over towards him, it totally missed him and didn't touch him at all and landed on his bed beside him. He turned around and cursed me, picked up the wallet, stood up and hurled it as hard as he could right at me, from about 5 ft from me, then came at me with the hamper as I started towards him. I was going to stop him and make him look me in the face to try and figure out what he was doing. I caught the hamper in my upper thigh, and then he swung at me with all his might. I grabbed his arm and he got right in my face and and asked me "who the fu-- I thought I was'? His face was fire red and I would have sworn his eyes looked of pure evil. It totally scared the heck out of me. I think it was at that moment that I really feared for my safety, but also at that minute the adrenalin kicked in, and I was not about to allow him to hurt me any further. Yes, I once again was probably wrong in what I did, but as he swung at me again and started to turn I grabbed the only place I could grab him, and it was the back of the head. Since he is letting his hair grow, I was able to get him by the back of his hair and forced him to the ground. I demanded he calm down and reminded him, he was to never hit me. As I let go and started to back up he turned on me and grabbed me arm. I was able to get my arms up and grabbed him by the upper arms and pinned him against the bunkbeds until he finally let go of me.
I don't really remember what happened from there, I was so angry and heartbroke, scared and hurt, that I somehow got out of the room. I think it was Asher screaming that made me get out of there. Yes, all 3 of the other children saw the whole thing, and the baby was terrified. That made me totally hate the whole thing even more.
Shaking I picked up the baby and calmed him, assuring the other 2 children that things were ok. As I was leaving the room Joshua yelled some obsenities and even threatened to bash his little brothers head in (or something to that effect, maybe not the exact words), that he didn't care, and he would see how I liked that. There were other things said after he slammed their bedroom door. Some of the things I could make out was that he could do whatever the f--- he wanted, and to Tyler he said, now you see what kind of f-ing bulls--- I have to put up with.
A few moments after leaving the room, as I was trying to collect myself, Tyler came running down the hall, yelling and crying, that Joshua was trying to do something to himself with his pocket knife.
Of course I ran in there and Joshua was on his bed, with the knife in hand, acting all innocent, saying what, all I did was that, and tried to hide the knife. He had scratched the palm of his hand and the top of his hand(trying to say I did that to him on the top). If I had, I would have had skin under my finfernails, and I didn't, plus I never touched his hand, only his upper arms.
As I said, Joshua has hit at me before, over the yrs, and as a young child right after his father and I divorced, I used to have to restraint him to keep him from doing things to himelf such as banging his head on things and trying to choke himself, but it has been many yrs since I have seen that kind of anger in his eyes.
I have got to find a decent councelor or Psychiatrist that can really help this child.
There is a councelor at the new church we have been attending, and I think I will start there, then also tomorrow I see Dr. M, and I should be able to mention things to him and see what he suggests.
One of the scarey things about this is, he has never threatened anyone else before, so it makes me think this has something to do with jealousey towards the other siblings, and that he knows that would really hurt me, or is really all about wanting me to hurt as he is. Another thing that is scarey, is that 10 minutes after this all happened, he was back to his kiund and loving self towards his little brother, and trying to make nice with me cpomplimenting me on dinner and about what a great job I was doing painting. I think he wanted to appologize, but didn't know how, and I didn't just let it go and act as if it didn't happen. I told him he had gone way to far this time and I wasn't going to just forget it, that he needs some help.
Once again Im not sure I should have written this, but it happened, and maybe someone can give me some wonderful advice or past experience help. Now I just have to decide what to do about the children and Thanksgiving with their father. And really, this may all be in part due to the anticupation of having to spend time with his Father, attitudes and behaviors always increase when it is about time to go with, and after being with their father.
Fall is so wonderful.
Oh, also, sometime this week Joshua said I was an overprotective freak. Over protective, how couldn't I be, I can't trust him even when I try to, he always proves me right.
Hope all is well with all you faithful readers and also with everyone one else that stops by.
Sorry foe the typos, I didn't proof or spellcheck this.
Also, if I don't write again before the holiday, hope you all have a Wonderful and Happy Thanksgiving!!!
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