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La Femme Nasty
Surviving Female Adolescence
By Carma Haley Shoemaker
Drew says that one of the first things parents need to do is set clear, fair standards and limits and stick by them no matter what. If your daughter has to be in at midnight, she has to be in at midnight, and if she's not, there needs to be a consequence. However, don't expect this to be easy.
"Consequences can be tricky," says Drew. "The best way to handle them is to sit down with your daughter at a neutral time – a time when neither of you is angry – and talk about the rules of the house. Try to find acceptable places to compromise so your child feels like she has a voice too, but never compromise on the things that are most important like those that can affect her safety or good moral judgment. Next, ask your child what consequences she believes would be fair. Often kids are harder on themselves than we are, and letting them have a part in decision-making can cut down on the power struggles. Now it's your job to follow through."
It is important that your daughter sees you as a mother; however, it is also important that your daughter understands that you are a woman and an individual as well. Until then, it will feel more like the survival of the fittest than family survival.
"It is important that your daughter see you holding on to your sense of self," says Cohen-Sandler. "She needs to see you demonstrate that women can persist in being themselves in a healthy relationship. Of course, nowhere will this be more apparent then in your relationship with your daughter. She needs to see you remaining firm in your principles, rather than caving in to her every demand in fear of losing her love."