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Skeletons in the Closet
Telling Your Kids About Your Past By Sue Marquette Poremba
Jane Peters* of Miami, Fla., shares stories of her teen and young adult days with her friends. When she talks about these former "wild times," she alludes to drinking and experimenting with drugs and sex. These are stories that she has no intentions of ever sharing with her children.
Every parent has a "past" and behaviors they don't want to see their children repeat. It could be as serious as drinking and driving or shoplifting, or as personal as vegging out in front of the television after school. We set up our rules based on our own youthful actions: insisting on checking on them when they go to a friend's house (because we snuck off to parties); giving limited access to the car (because we had no regards for speed limits, stop signs or our parents' no-passenger rules); being strict about curfews and waiting up for them to come home (because we know what shape we were in when we snuck home after curfew).
Child experts say that setting rules makes kids feel loved and secure and less likely to get into trouble. Public service announcements pronounce parents "the anti-drug." It's all well and good until your teen looks you straight in the eye and asks you the question you've been dreading: "What did you do as a teenager?"
Do you confess your teenage crimes? Do you lie or avoid the subject? How much of your past does your child need to know?
"It is important for us to be honest with our teenagers and admit that we made some decisions that put us in unsafe or otherwise compromising positions," says Lee Ann Grisolano, visiting assistant professor of psychology at Lebanon Valley College. "For most of us, to do otherwise would be hypocritical. However, we can be honest with our teens without full-fledged reminiscing about the 'glory days.' There is no reason to disclose every little detail of what we did and how and when we did it."
Peters agrees. "No matter how cool or experienced we are as parents, to our children, we are the role models, and for them to hear about their parents doing stupid, risky things is not something that I think helps them in finding their own path," she says.
Perhaps when the kids are adults or parents themselves, the time will be right to share some of your old stories. By then, they'll have reached a point where they'll understand (of course, you'll need to be prepared to hear their stories). However, research shows that during the teen years, the brain is going through its most rapid growth period since infancy. The part of the brain most affected by this growth spurt is the area that controls decision making and logic. It is why kids who seem so level-headed in most aspects of their lives end up making reckless decisions when they are with their friends.