Love/Hate Relationships

Loving Your Teen, Hating Their Romantic Relationship

By Kelly Burgess

Susan Sanders* of Willisburg, Ky., had some excellent reasons for not liking her daughter's former boyfriend. He was a major freeloader, never paying or offering to drive. Then he got her started with drugs and with forging the checks he stole to support their drug habits. In spite of all that, Sanders was polite for the sake of family harmony. But her daughter, Brittany, 19, knew her mom didn't like the boy and eventually broke up with him and entered rehab. She's now dating someone Sanders approves of.

"He scored points with me when he immediately started wanting to go to church with her," says Sanders. "Also, she smiles more now and has said that he says things to her she's never heard from a guy before, such as her being beautiful, and he leaves her little notes everywhere."

While Sanders's case is fairly extreme -- who wouldn't loathe a boy who got their daughter started on drugs? -- it's not unusual for parents to dislike their teenager's boyfriend or girlfriend for much less compelling reasons. Young adult author and family therapist Chris Crutcher says it's because parents perceive the stakes to be higher for their children when they get into an opposite sex relationship.

"Your child is making a special bond with this person," says Crutcher. "Looked at from the parent's point of view, this relationship can threaten the relationship they have with their child. Even if you've raised your kids right, there's often anxiety about the level of commitment and intimacy, both physical and emotional, that your child is going to allow."

Crutcher says some part of that anxiety has to do with the parents own ego. "Parents tend to have a picture of what we want our kid's life to be like, and we want our kids to avoid the mistakes that we made," he says. "The fact is that no one learns from your experience but you. Parents need to let their children make their own mistakes and have their own experiences."

According to Michael J. Bradley, psychologist and author of Yes, Your Teen is Crazy

Want to see more?

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• Not My Daddy: When Daughters Date Older Men