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Home › Articles › Teenagers › Stranger in My House

Stranger in My House

When Your Teen Doesn't Act Like Your Teen Anymore

By Carma Haley Shoemaker

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If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, then teenagers must be from a galaxy far, far away. At least it can seem that way when parents and adolescents try to communicate with one another. However, that teen slouching in the corner with the headphones on, the one who seems to be ignoring you, is just exhibiting normal youth development.

"Change in friends, appearance, music tastes without a corresponding change in your child's functioning is not a problem," says Phillippe B. Cunningham, Ph.D., an associate professor at the Medical University of South Carolina. "If change is happening, but your child continues to perform well in school (getting good grades) and at home (completing chores, keeping curfew) I would not be that concerned. Changes happen as our children grow, change interests and are exposed to various media such as TV, radio, music, concerts, sports, etc. We may not like these changes, but unfortunately and inevitably they happen."

What Can a Parent Do?
Parents often feel that they have failed or that they are no longer an important part of their teens' lives, especially when teens go through "the change." However, as most changes are just part of teen development (trying to find their own identity), many experts suggest that parents simply try and reconnect with their teens in order to offer a more "normal" family unit.

"Reconnecting with teens can be done in little, subtle ways, things such as putting TVs, VCRs and computers in a central location rather than in your teen's room in an effort to encourage them to be involved in regular family interaction," says Steve Moak, founder of the Not My Kid Foundation in Phoenix, Ariz. "While this is not a drastic change, sometimes subtle is much more effective."

There are a number of things parents can do to reconnect with their child. Most important, and for better results, Cunningham suggests parents establish regular opportunities for communication with teens. "Avoid communicating with your teen only when there is a problem," Cunningham says. "Schedule some family or one-on-one time alone with your child doing an activity or going somewhere they are interested in. Dinner is a great time to get the communication going both ways."

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