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Grappling With Grief
Excerpted from Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss
By Claudia Jewett Jarratt
Telling a child about an impending loss not only prevents the distress and anxiety that may build as the child increasingly wonders what is wrong, but also allows the child to begin to prepare for what lies ahead rather than being caught off guard. The child has a chance to start getting used to the idea, to raise questions and concerns, to participate in the adjustments parents are making, to practice coping skills before they must be called into action and to begin to grieve.
However, there can be problems with direct approaches. Imagine a mother who has only the brief time it will take someone to bring her children home from school to prepare herself to tell them that their father has suddenly died. Reeling with her own shock and grief, it is understandable that she might wish to postpone talking to them, to avoid seeing them, or at least to discourage their expressions of distress. It would be better, however, for her to remember that she need not hide her own pain and strong reactions as long as she makes it clear that the children are not expected to solve her problems or make her feel better.
Her children will be most able to believe this if they know which adult friends and relatives will be helping her, since this is most likely to reassure them that their mother is in good hands.
