Not My Daddy

When Daughters Date Older Men

By Laura Cone

It's no secret that teenage girls mature sooner than boys. With access to Internet chat rooms, these teenage girls can now seek out more mature dating partners – some of whom are in college or out in the work world.

What happens when your daughter wants to date older high school students or college men? Would you know if your daughter was arranging a clandestine meeting with a 20- or 30-something-year-old teacher, coach or crush from the Internet?

Dennis Rainey, the author of Parenting Today's Adolescent (Nelson Books, 2002) and So You Are About to Be a Teenager (Nelson Books, 2003), has raised four daughters ranging in age from 19 to 30 and two sons. Rainey, of Little Rock, Ark., and his wife, Barbara, did not let their daughters date older boys. They also favored double dates or group dating if their daughters got the green light to go out at all.

Their daughters were not always happy with their father's rules. "We stood fast our ground," he says. "I think they would come back today and tell you that was good advice even though they did not like it."

Rainey says teenage girls are more likely to be vulnerable to older male suitors and predators if they don't have a solid relationship with their father. He calls it the "absent father syndrome."

"A lot of dads are absent from their daughters' lives, and so they are looking to fill a hole in their hearts their dads should be meeting but aren't," Rainey says. "I think young ladies were designed to nurture and love, and I think when they get old enough to express that, they latch on to someone who looks like they are fun, looks like they are cool, someone who is their idealized romantic man. In the process, they develop an unreal relationship."

Angela Thomas of Knoxville, Tenn., a single mother and a national public speaker who meets thousands of teenagers through "Girls of Grace" conferences, also says girls may fantasize about older men if they don't have a good relationship with their father. "Unfortunately a lot of it has to do with dads, a distant dad or not even present dad or abusive dad," she says.

Thomas believes it's important to teach girls to make choices from a strong place, not an empty place, in terms of their emotions. "I want her to be aware she could choose poorly just because of those feelings that are going on inside of her," Thomas says. "I think as parents if we can be ahead and shine a light on what could be a dark place for our kids, then at least we are in there."

You can learn to "be ahead and shine a light" for your daughter. Here's how:

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• Talk about it!